Bachelorette Do’s and Don’ts

Last week we paused this nonsense to ring in Christmas. Today we are back to the stupidity. Cover yourself in rose petals and read along.

The most recent episode was high on the leaderboard of absurdity…per usual. To sum it up, Tayshia reminded us all about 86,000 times that she’s been married before. She played dress-up in wedding dresses on a date. She crushed all of America’s soul by sending our favorite, Eazy, home way too early. And then our resident Harvard alum, Bennett, plummeted to the bottom of the list as our favorites. It was not a good week for him.

Here are our Do’s and Don’ts from the episode.

Do’s

1. Do try and figure out how to get on the Chris Harrison substitute list. Mr. Harrison announced he had to take a few days away from his stressful, demanding job picnic of a life to take his son to college. He brought in a replacement, JoJo. She’s a Bachelorette of yore. What a week she must have had. She came in to ask a few questions, make a few announcements, and then it was back to Mr. Harrison’s bungalow to take over his spa appointments for the week.

2. Do find out this photographer’s leg routine. Tayshia and some guy who has a name that I can’t remember went on a date to play wedding dress up, and stand in front of Franco’s camera.

This is Franco.

These are his legs.

I meeeeeean. What’s he doing? Is it squats? Is it lunges? Is it never touching a carb?

3. Do find out how many zeros Bennett has in his bank account. On the group date, they were asked to represent their relationship with Tayshia with a clay sculpture. You know. Just like any typical date. Bennett of course has to flex the good relationship he has with everyone at his Wells Fargo. He sculpts their future life with all the homes they will own: Park Avenue mansion, home in California, a chateau in France. Every time Bennett flaunts his money, a young boy in Tribeca gets his wings trust fund.

Don’ts

1. Back to Franco, When you look at these pictures, it will be abundantly clear-do not let him style you for your wedding day. These we were some the wardrobe changes we had to endure. Exhibits A & B look like if Elton John and Liberace had a baby, they would dress him in that.

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Exhibit C was a hard picture to get because they kept jumping on a trampoline all giddy and in love. However, it was shiny and very reminiscent of a baked potato on your plate at Red Lobster.

2. Don’t ever make me go on a date that involves these two.

Tayshia had a group date with some of her eligible suitors, and they showed up to one of the ballrooms of the La Quinta. They walked in and saw Sparrow and her beau, Saffron. If you can’t tell by the picture, they had on zero articles of clothing, and the date “assignment” was to sketch these two. Nope. No thanks. Take me to Chilis for some processed queso in a skillet instead.

3. Don’t let your last-ditch effort to impress a lady be you taking off your Hanes His Ways on national TV. Ben, your mother is watching. The last leg of that eternal group date was the men creating a self portrait. I’m showing three of the “artists” with the look Ben gave during all of their explanations. They were for the most part very sweet and truthful and made you remember these are nice guys and not just all bafoons on TV.

Ivan with his story and Ben with his look of dismay.

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Blake with his story and Ben with his look of dismay.

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Riley with his story and Ben with his look of dismay.

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During all of this, he must have realized his art skills weren’t up to par, so he concocted a plan-a plan he thought was good.

This.

This was his self portrait. This was the plan he concocted. He clearly didn’t measure up to the other guys elementary art skills, so why wouldn’t he take his clothes off and try and get their Juliet’s attention? WHAT a romantic gesture. It was just like when Lloyd stood outside of Diane’s window in Say Anything.

(No matter how much I hate this…please look at Bennetts face in the background. The man had a front row seat to insanity and was clearly loving it.)

4. Don’t let Bennett draw your name in Secret Santa. Bennett and Noah have been in a bit of a squabble ever since Noah arrived on scene with his mustache. Bennett finally decided to let bygones be bygones, and presented Noah with a gift. Well, he gave it to him, and then he took it back to open it himself and explain the contents. It made us feel all warm and fuzzy when he did that.

A red bandana so the two don’t have anymore bad blood.

Socks with mustaches on them because “that’s the only place a mustache belongs.”

Finally, he pulls out a book of emotional intelligence and explained there are four parts to emotional intelligence, and Noah is lacking in three of those. Ahhhh. Just like the Wise Men.

Noah wasn’t amused. We weren’t amused. I bet somewhere at Texas Christian University…Chris Harrison wasn’t amused.

Bennett, next time just opt for a candle and some lotto tickets.

We hope you got a giggle or two, and we hope you learned something valuable because how could you not? Come back on Wednesday for more foolishness when Kat will be showcasing her Christmas cards.