Bachelorette Do’s and Don’ts

There’s a new queen on the throne. Clare has abdicated her title of ABC royalty, and Tayshia has put on the crown of roses. Clare left us to run away with her Neil Lane diamond Dale, and therefore, Tayshia appeared on our screens. The crop of men that Clare tossed to the side had to act downtrodden, but those emotions only lasted about 3 minutes. Once Tayshia walked into the room, they basically started doing the dance of joy from Perfect Strangers. Ahhh. If only Balki walked in as one of her suitors.

Let’s get to our do’s and don’ts for this week, shall we? Even if you said we shan’t, we still shall.

Do’s

1. Do always pose like Zack Morris. Look at this.

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We know Zack was the defacto king of Saved by the Bell, and we feel the same about Bennett. Why doesn’t he get more airtime? The ABC crew is probably taking advantage of having him there. He’s probably teaching them how to play squash, where to buy the best yacht, or who hosts the best clam bakes in the Hamptons. You know what would be fun to see? A spinoff of Bennett living on a farm. It would be very Green Acres, and Bennett could be the new Eva Gabor. Dahling, I love you but give me Park Avenue.

2. Do have the dramatics of Chris Harrison. “This has had all of social media and talk shows on fire.” Did it though? Chris Harrison, was the world really set ablaze with talks of what’s been going on in La Quinta, California? I bet he’s right; I bet all of this dramatic rose stuff has spread across the earth like Covid. Nothing else important has been happening on the news lately. This has been at the forefront of people’s minds.

3. Do always put things in layman’s terms. Our favorite man adorned in star tattoos (We have to say that because we have no clue what his name is) told one of the new guys, “You’re kind of a ______(rhymes with tick).” While we don’t agree with the name calling, we appreciate the effort to not make the new guy wonder what he meant. There was no need to try and decode that message. Loud and clear, Shooting Star.

4. Do make Chris Harrison work for his paycheck this season. Most seasons of The Bachelor and Bachelorette give us just glimpses of our host. He will come in every episode to ask a question or two to try and look needed. Then he’s back to his mansion to laugh at people who actually work. However, they are making him actually earn that money to afford his Botox now. That poor man had to run all over the grounds of the La Quinta Resort to hand out beverages and refreshments while Tayshia and her date rode horses. Chris Harrison, pour yourself a cup of ambition like Dolly Parton told us to.

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Don’ts

1. If you’re a grown man, don’t dress like Blanche Deveraux’s comforter. Now, don’t get me wrong. Blanche gave us southern charm, the perfect picture of confidence, and reminders to act the age you feel not the age you actually are. However, I don’t think she would approve of this shirt if she saw Spencer at The Rusty Anchor.
   Even if he’s just there to mess things up, we are glad Spencer joined the party albeit late. As Blanche would say, “Better late than pregnant.”

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2. Don’t keep complimenting someone’s “energy”. What. A. Cop-out. It felt like every other breath the men were telling Tayshia that she had great energy. I mean. I kind of get it. They were used to Clare treating them like they were all wearing cloaks of invisibility. Tayshia is a breath of fresh air to them, but incessant admiration for her energy was annoying.
Boys, E=mc² I don’t see the name Tayshia anywhere in that formula.

3. Don’t make metaphors out of deli meat. Riley wasn’t very pleased when a new group of men arrived to try and win Tayshia’s heart. He wasn’t having it, and he let one of them know this. He sat down with Spencer to chat, and he decided to convey his feelings in meat-aphors. We honestly didn’t really understand any of it, but he told him he was the equivalent of deli meat. Which kind though? Salami? Ham? Pastrami? Are we talking pre-packaged Oscar Meyer, or are we talking freshly sliced from the lady at Publix? Honestly, we don’t want to be compared to olive loaf, but we wouldn’t hate if someone called us a charcuterie board….or made us one.

4. “How are your butt cheeks doing?” is something you don’t ask your date. Brendan and Tayshia acted like John Wayne and went riding horses around the resort. Maybe Brendan was nervous and grasping at straws for conversation topics, but that’s never a good thing to ask even if your date just had a colonoscopy. Derriere topics are strictly TABOOty.

Thanks for reading! None of you are deli meat to us. You’re all beautifully brined Thanksgiving turkeys from Ina Garten’s kitchen. All of you.