Bachelorette Do’s and Don’ts

Y’all, it happened. Last week the show that we compromise our morals for came back to our television screens. When we’ve endured a year like this one, we deserve for predictable TV to comfort us. And by predictable, I mean we know people will be there for the wrong reasons, we know tears will be shed, and we know the ABC interns will be sick of looking at roses by the end of this thing.

Our bachelorette is Clare. She gives me (Caroline) major Jan Levinson vibes.

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She gives Kat major feelings of Gene Rayburn from Match Game ‘76 in that she’s very grinny and very over annunciated.

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Jan+Gene=Clare. Duh.

We weren’t planning on writing Bachelorette recaps for out blog. However, when I was watching it the other night, I couldn’t help but think that these posts basically write themselves. If you’re a fan, then we hope these posts make you giggle, If you’re not a fan, then maybe it will show you that you’re thankful you’re not.

Since ABC threw us for a loop and is airing it on Tuesdays instead of Mondays, we are going to be writing these for Mondays because of our blog schedule. Maybe when you’re reading this, it will get you pumped and/or anxious for the new episode tomorrow.

We aren’t going to be giving you a typical recap of the entire episode because A. that would be eternal and B. we don’t wanna. Therefore, we will be writing the “Do’s and Don’ts” from each episode. Before we get started though, let’s do a very brief recap from last Tuesday. There was some TOO MUCH Covid talk, a lot of embarrassing entrances from limousines, and Clare basically getting pregnant from her introduction with Dale. Here we go.

Do’s

1. Do be as charming and adorable as Blake. He seems very normal. Why is he on this show?

2. Do find the skin care regimen of Dale. What’s he doing? Is it retinol? Is it monthly facials? The people need to know.

3. Do know your color palette and own it. Eazy is looking ready to slay in that salmon suit.

Dont’s

1. Don’t be the star of a show and wear a dress that does your boobs zero favors. It’s pretty obvious Clare has had work done in the chesticle region, but some kind of lifting device needed to happen under those sequins.

2. Don’t go on national TV and let your ankles be your most noticed feature. The men this season must have been worried about Chris Harrison’s infamous wet driveway because we saw WAY too many ankles. It’s a good idea to invite your pants down to your shoes so they can party.

3. If your Christian name is “Easy,” then for the love of all that is holy, at least spell it correctly. Don’t spell it like it’s an AIM screen name.

4. Don’t embarrass your entire extended family by emerging from a giant inflatable bubble to meet your potential mate. It was very reminiscent of the birth of a newborn….a newborn with terrible ideas.

5. Don’t bring someone Moon Pies if you are trying to woo them. People deserve more than a treat from a gas station. At least up the ante a bit and swing through McDonald’s for a McFlurry. Let’s face it though-there is a 99.9% chance the McFlurry machine would be broken.

6. Don’t get “cast” as The Bachelorette and loudly announce on night 1 that you met your husband already. Clare, didn’t you sign up for a long “journey to find love” not the red eye to Buffalo?

That’s all for today! We’ll do it again next week.

Peace, love, and salmon suits,