Signed, Sealed, Delivered

No one has ever said that to me, but it hasn’t deterred my spirit when it comes to sending out Christmas cards. This was the seventh year that I sent out Christmas cards from me..just me. I have 60 cards printed of me.

Should we take a trip down memory lane past the sea of swirly, twirly gumdrops? Yes. Let’s.

The year was 2013. Prince George had just been born and Kris Jenner and Bruce Jenner announced their separation. It was a very different time. Caroline and I were living together and thought it would be funny to recreate a Christmas photo from our childhood and send it to family and friends, and thus the madness had begun.

2014. I stayed close to brand and once again recreated a favorite Christmas picture of yore. Christmas happened to be on a Thursday that year, hence the caption: “Don’t forget to “Throwback Thursday” to the true meaning of Christmas”. Side note: should I reconsider bangs for myself?

2015. One of our FAVORITE Christmas movies as kids was “A Muppet Family Christmas”. Anyone? Anyone? We had it recorded on a VHS, and so it came with AMAZING toy commercials from the 90s. It was a thing of beauty. One of the best lines of the movie comes from Grover when they are doing a dramatic reenactment of “Twas the Night Before Christmas”. He comes running in as a mouse and says “note how the hand never touches the spoon.” I’m giggling as I type. Some felt ears. A Target Mean Girls tank. And a self timer. And I was done.

2016. Caroline had gotten married, and I told her that she needed to do something of this nature for her card. She wouldn’t. So I did. I’m not just going to let a good idea go by. I had my cards printed at a CVS and had to go pick them up. When I told them my name, they said, “So we have a debate going on. You’re not really pregnant are you. It’s a joke, right?” Oy. I have since started having my cards printed and delivered, so I don’t have to answer questions about my tomfoolery from strangers.

2017. I remember I was sitting at Caroline’s house in Arkansas when I came up with this idea. I was googling Christmas songs, Christmas poems, and you know I love a pun. I wear that bathing suit all the time. The wig labeled “rockstar”? Not as much.

2018. I thought I had run out of ideas. Plum out. There is a lot of pressure to perform year after year. It’s like my own version of the Olympics every Christmas. Then I mustered one up. My brother in law cut the metal of the lampshade for me. I spray painted and added fringe, and my feelings weren’t the only thing that were fra-gee-lay that year. (Side note: I’ve never watched this movie in its entirety).

2019. I had a list in my phone of potential ideas. One of them was to get a Prince (the artist formerly known as) costume and be “Prince of Peace”. Then one night while lying in bed it hit me-a life size Elf on the Shelf. God bless my roommate for driving/walking/running through Atlanta with me for two hours to get these photos.

2020. And here we are. There is so much to work with, yet none of it seemed “Christmas appropriate”. Home Alone is probably my favorite Christmas movie, and I had never played off of it, so it seemed time. Originally, I was going to recreate the movie poster with me posed as Kevin and photoshop Trump and Biden as the “Wet Bandits” in the background. But I couldn’t stand the thought of giving either one of them any more press. Yes. Press. So I swerved and came up with the most 2020 appropriate card.

Shout out to my mom for going around our house with me for probably an hour to recreate all these pictures. And I need EVERYONE to know that I was in fact hovering over the toilet-not an editing trick. And once I got into position and was holding myself up, Mom forgot how to unlock my phone.

And there you have it. Are you someone who appreciates immaturity and pop culture references? Then send me your address, and I’ll get you on my list.