Bachelorette Do’s and Don’ts

Happy Thanksgiving week! We are thankful for dumb shows like this to take our mind off the fact that we are 9 months into a pandemic that we naively thought would last 3 weeks.

Last week’s episode was a compilation of the men in foolish competitions and then acting like baffoons in a wrestling match to try and win Tayshia’s heart. Here are our do’s and don’ts.

Do’s

1. Do apply to Harvard. It’s likely you’ll get in and graduate despite what you might think. Our resident Harvard graduate, Bennett, was one of the men competing in the “Grown _____(rhymes with sass) Man Challenge.” The first part was a classroom room type setting with academic questions, and they had to give the correct answer. These weren’t even challenging. They were basic math questions I would have given one of my 4th graders and the ever-so difficult question of how to spell “limousine.” Before it began, Bennett was excited to show off that $200,000 + education and make Mr. Arizona State look like a chump. But alas, he got all of the questions wrong and made us all realize that if he and Elle Woods can do it, then we all can. What? Like it’s hard?

2. On that note, do get rid of the phrase, “Grown ______(rhymes with sass) Man.” Why? Why? And if they said this phrase once, they said it 8 billion times. Please throw it in the garbage and let’s never say it again. What ever happened to just “grown man” or “gentleman”? I bet somewhere in the archives there is a sonnet from Elizabeth Barrett Browning with that same wording.

Don’ts

1. Don’t make these faces while lifting weights on national TV. When are these men going to realize that there are probably 8 different cameras pointed at them for 12 hours a day? Obviously, I’ve never been on a reality show, but I would hope that I would not grow used to the fact that I’m being watched by millions every week. Take a page from Jim Halpert’s book and always know where the camera is.

• 

• 

• 

• 

2. Don’t smack talk by saying “I’m bringing the Wolverine out.” That’s not a good look, you sound like a goon, and no one will take you seriously today or in the future when you’re trying to apply to a new job. I mean if you really feel that strongly that you have some of Hugh Jackman’s characteristics inside of you, then let’s pivot and perform “From Now On” from The Greatest Showman. Belting the chorus of that while perfectly on pitch would be something we could all get on board with versus a mutant with retractable claws.

3. Don’t tell someone your astrological sign while on a date. Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Stormi, True, Saint….wait, those are Kardashians. No one cares. Well, we don’t care. We really don’t understand how the day you were born affects your personality traits along with the moon, the tides, the stars, yada yada. If you’re a grouchy, lazy person, it has nothing to do with the galaxy. Don’t bring this up on a date. You need to get down to brass tacks. Find out what’s important like can they correctly spell Chris Harrison’s chariot of choice?

4. Don’t run and tattle to the leading lady that someone told you that you had chicken legs. WHAT a travesty. When I was in college learning how to be a teacher, I spent a semester in a kindergarten classroom, and Mrs. Brown had a problem with students tattling, and she was over it. She remedied this by drawing a giant toad and putting it on on the back of the door. If a student came to tattle, she would make them go talk to the “Tattle Toad.” It was quite amusing to see these 5 year olds talking to a paper toad on a door. I think it would also be amusing for Tayshia to send Ed to Mrs. Brown’s classroom. Quit your squwaking, Colonel Sanders.

Whew. Are you spent? We’re spent. Did you take notes? We hope you took notes. So much to remember.

Thanks for reading!

Peace, love, and limozeens,