What a boring week in the US of A last week, right? I’m sure you found it to be uneventful too, so maybe you had nothing but time to devote yourself to The Bachelorette. Or maybe you don’t watch/don’t care. Who can blame you? We’d still love for you to read today; we bet you’ll take a lot of wisdom away with you.
Nah. You probably won’t, but maybe you’ll giggle a time or two.
Oy. This week was almost too much, and during the middle of the episode I thought that maybe I didn’t have it in me to write about it, but you know what. Kat and I took
the bull by the horns the rose by the thorns and figured we could come up with something. Here’s our something.
We’ll first summarize the episode in the form of a haiku. Naturally.
Clare has had enough
Dale got down on bended knee
Bullet dodged, Bennett
1. Do have Neil Lane’s number on speed dial. Important contacts can pay off big time when you need a diamond ring the size of a macaron at the last minute.
2. Do kind of try to look a tad bit happy when Chris Harrison says that two people just got engaged. We get it, guys. They’ve known each other as long as a mild stomach bug lasts, but remember you’re on TV. Cameras are bountiful. Just try to muster up enough to get a smile caught on that camera.
3. Do have the cunning of Chris Harrison to make us all think that Dale was standing that broad up. Picture it: Clare. Adorned in sequins. Waiting on that Neil Lane diamond that ABC bought. Our favorite host walks out with that “cat ate the canary” look and makes us all think Dale has gone back to Party City to do some modeling.
But alas, her taco with maracas surprises us all and shows up ready to profess his love.
- Don’t underestimate the power of a white T. As Dem Franchize Boyz said circa 2004, “Step on the scene with some green and some hard white work. Real clean fresh jeans and a all white shirt.”
2. Don’t tell a man you’ve known for approximately 79 hours you love him while covered in sequins. It might be a little over the top. A sweater and jeans would have done the trick, Clare. I mean…do you even know how he likes his eggs? (Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride taught us that was v. significant.) Is he a bad tipper? Does he leave dishes in the sink? Does he think Sister Act II is better than Sister Act I? If so, call it off NOW!
3. Don’t wear a scarf that is completely contrasting with your baby blue polo. To be honest, we have no clue on God’s green earth who that singer is that ABC wrangled in to play for Clare and Dale, but baby blue IS his color. As good as that color looks on him, it was not wise choice to wear that scarf that resembles curtains with it. Don’t get dressed in the dark.
4. Don’t respond like Dale. Clare and Dale
are appear blissfully happy, and Clare has the grin of a gameshow host going on and says, “I knew this was coming, and I felt it!” Dale reciprocates that same enthusiasm with, “I accepted it.” It just doesn’t have the same ring to it, does it? It doesn’t quite convince us that he is in love with Clare, the woman he’s known as long as the Chick-fil-A drive through line. Oof.
5. Don’t act like you’re a character on Dawson’s Creek, Clare. Our brief bachelorette comes in to tell the rest of the guys that she is in love with her Romeo taco and that she’s basically hitting the road. She proudly stands before them and says, “I”m not apologizing for love!” (Oh. Ok.) Star tattoo comes back with, “you should apologize for faking it!” Welp, there ya go. Give a point to Mr. Star Spangled.
At the very end of the episode, we meet our new leading lady, Tayshia. We’ll see how this plays out tomorrow. My money’s on Eazy.