Bachelorette Do’s and Don’ts

We’re here for episode 3 Do’s and Don’ts. We really don’t have words. Nah we do. Since we lost two hours of our life and half of our dignity watching it; we for sure have words.

If you missed it, or if you don’t watch, or if you tried to block that episode from your memory, all you need to know is….

Cccccccccclare and Dale: Rescue Rangers
Cccccccccclare and Dale when there’s danger

That’s it. That’s all that happened. It is 100% the Clare and Dale show. Let’s get to the do’s and don’ts. Grab your pencil and take notes; these are paramount.

Do’s

1. Do respond to most of life’s important questions like Jordan C. “Go for it dawg.” Slang canine talk along with some confidence will always get you far.
2. Do take Eazy shopping with you. Lionel Richie was not wrong.

3. Do find out the hair products these men use. Whatever volumizer they are using is working. The hair height we are seeing this season is impressive. Exhibit A,B,&C.

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4. Do go cry to Dale and his necklace if you’re ever upset. Apparently, it makes everything that’s wrong in the world right.

Dont’s

1. Don’t make us name the men on this season. We only know Bennett and Eazy because they reign supreme, and we know Dale because Clare is already pregnant with their second child. Don’t put a gun to our heads and make us name the others.
2. Don’t try and be Miami Vice and wear sneakers with a suit. Boys, you are not Don Johnson.

3. Don’t take a man’s pants (a man you met 4 days ago) and sniff them with a gal pal. It’s not a wise thing to do and will make everyone in America question your decision making ability.

4. Don’t send Chris Harrison in to do your dirty work, Clare. How dare you make that man get out of his bathrobe and Ugg slippers, put down his sidecar and cigar, and get up and actually do work?! Zach made a major faux pas during his afternoon portion of the date with Clare, and she wanted to send him packing. She was not happy about it but kind of also happy about it because it opened the door to letting another man go. She made our favorite host, Chris Harrison, go deliver the bad news to Zach that she did not want to have dinner with him. Another man down. Now she is this much closer to joining Dale’s health insurance plan.

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5. Don’t get “hired” as The Bachelorette, have a microphone on, and get caught saying “Can we hurry this along?” Just grin and bear it, Clare.
You’re only allowed to say that when getting your lip waxed.

Before we go, let’s all take a moment and take back any and all negative comments we made about Juan Pablo when we were first introduced to Clare on his season. Maybe he wasn’t that bad after all. Call whoever rebranded cauliflower, and get them to work on that.

That’s all for today. Apparently next week will be a doozy too. Grab your paper bags to breathe into, everyone. You’re gonna need ’em.