We’re back for week two of this train wreck full of rose petals. We’ve been faithful fans since the show’s inception in 2002. (Don’t make us add up the hours that have been
wasted spent watching this show. It may bring out tears and regret.) Devoted are we, and never has an episode made us want to do this more…
Needless to say, this episode was something else. Before we get started, let’s recap this episode as quickly as we can. Basically, all this episode showed us was that Clare needs more affirmations than Bennett needs martinis. A dear friend of mine (Caroline) is a psychiatrist, and I’ve been telling her for years to apply to be the official psych for the show. This episode proved that she should.
- Do hire new interns, ABC. We understand that there isn’t globetrotting this season, and they are limited to the ground of The La Quinta Resort, but these dates were a collective Who’s Who of garbage. Exhibit A: The first date was Clare wanting the men to learn about the love languages. Naturally, it started with Clare in a drama club tower while the men had to show off their best words of affirmation to try and woo her. She gushes and gushes and is so honored they would say these things. Did they really have a choice?
2. Do channel your inner Bennett. The man is classy, bougie, and always ready to hop aboard a yacht. He walks around with a martini whilst wearing a bathrobe, packs face masks (lots of them), and has more shoes than a Foot Locker.
3. Do remember that your grandmother could be watching. Do remember that she probably wouldn’t want to see you prancing around in what can best be described as a cerulean-colored spaghetti noodle. Do try to remember to make Mee-Maw proud.
4. On that note, DO ALWAYS have throw pillows handy.
- Don’t judge a book by its cover, and also, don’t judge a man by his name that looks like a license plate. Last week we gave a little shade to Eazy. This week he won us over with his personality. ABC, make him the next Bachelor. It’s an eazy choice. 🙂
2. Don’t show your true colors until at least the fifth date. The men were all having a nice time, and then Clare showed up in a very tight dress and sat betwixt them. The girl was APPALLED that they didn’t all leap at the chance to steal her away for a private chat. Bennett being the class act that he is, (can you tell that we like him??) read Clare like a book and asked to walk away in his $600 shoes to have a heart-to-heart. Clare heard about 8 words of what
Warner Huntington III Bennett wanted to say before she got up, stormed back over to the men, and scolded them like an angry school teacher. HOW DARE THEY NOT CHALLENGE EACH OTHER TO A DUEL TO TALK TO HER PRIVATELY? Ugh. The nerve.
3. Don’t invite someone on a date and ask them to write a letter to their younger self before the date begins. That was basically a giant, very bright, all in lights, neon, blinking sign that said “RUN!” Clare was giving it her very best Dr. Phil effort on this date with the letter, smashing negative words on rocks, and screaming into the woods. What Jason’s letter should have said was…
In a few years, some friends will encourage you to go on The Bachelorette. Don’t submit the application.
4. Don’t cover yourself in star tattoos. While we appreciate the patriotic effort, you might look like a teenage girls’ ceiling in 1999.
And while we’re at it, don’t wear an outfit on national television that consists of capri pants and a collared sweater shirt. That looks like what I wore every day of middle school courtesy of Aeropostale, Dale. Maybe he wants a sponsorship? @AeropostDale
5. Don’t explicitly state your gender when trying to make a point. “At the end of the day, I’m a woman.” Oh. Ok.
Ladies, I think we should use that line in our homes to garner some attention. Every night go proudly stand in your living room and shout, “It is the end of the day. I am a woman!” See what kind of reactions you get and report back.
6. Don’t go on TV and say that showing your “man goodies” was “the Lord’s will.” I can promise you that it’s not.
Phew. That’s all we have left in us.
In summation, go out and buy some throw pillows and some new pairs of shoes because at the end of the day, you’re a woman.